Exploring the Call

November 9, 2007
These past few months have honestly been some of the most searching times of my life. I have been struggling with all kinds of things during these past few months. I have wrestled with my calling, where I should be in ministry, and even if I should be in youth ministry.
You see this all started a few months ago when Pastor Rick and Pastor Marilyn had a discussion with me. We were discussing the idea of me becoming a local pastor or being ordained in the Methodist Church. I honestly struggled with the idea at first because I have always despised the thought of youth pastors who use student ministry as a stepping stone or those who just simply are told to do this before becoming a real pastor. I always promised myself that I would not be like those people and that I would serve God in youth ministry because that was the calling He placed on my heart. Until God, Himself changed that calling I wouldn’t change. I didn’t know though that it would be this challenging though. You see I always said that I would never make it a difficult decision because I knew what God called me to but the thought of it was making it slightly more challenging than I anticipated. If I were to take on a different role that could mean that the church would provide insurance, a house, and some other nice things that would be a plus in my book. However, I still couldn’t imagine leaving my students; I mean these students are some of the best in the world and some that I love dearly.
This would mean that I would have to go back to school as well, which honestly wouldn’t be that bad of a deal because I have always had a desire to get my Master’s degree and continue my education. I love to be in classes and discussing some tough topics with other people and hearing different viewpoints. The thought of going back to school would be a wonderful thing in my mind. It was the fact that I could become ordained and all that jazz that scared me a little bit.
So with all that it left me wondering what the next step was. Where would I end up and what would I be doing. I was struggling more now and wrestling with this fact so much that it was making me sick, almost. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn, in fact I had even begun to ask other people, our pastors and friends, to pray for me as I struggled with this idea. I began to seek out their guidance, direction, and wisdom on the issue and it helped a little bit. I was still feeling a little uneasiness in my stomach about the whole thing and what it all meant. I continued to pray and seek God’s direction but I was left a little unsure.
However, after a couple months of prayer and seeking guidance on the whole issue I came to the realization of an answer, well sort of. I could go back to school and receive my Master’s of Divinity which really excites me because the church is in support of doing this because I would be furthering my education and would become more of an asset to them, which is great. Rick and Marilyn were in full support of the whole thing which is great because I have never totally had the support of our staff let alone the pastors. All in all it sounds like a great thing, but then there is the small thing of what would happen with the students who I love so dearly? I was left wondering about this for some time and struggling with the whole concept. I mean I love these students and they mean the world to me so I couldn’t just walk away from them. This was the difficult part, because I love our students and they genuinely love us to which would make it extremely hard to leave. But then I began to discuss the possibility of not leaving but just modifying my role, here at the church. After another lengthy discussion and much prayer it was decided by the church that I could maintain my role here and also go back to school. Well, this made things so much easier, but it wasn’t totally resolved in my mind.
That was until I went to the NYWC in St. Louis sponsored by Youth Specialties. At the end of the convention, they gave us some time to think and reflect about what we had learned and what that meant for us and our ministries. I began to pray again about this whole calling and what it meant for me and my life. I was honestly praying about for the first time, because I wasn’t letting my thoughts or preconceived notions get in my way and was just listening for God. After just a short time, the faces of my students began to flood my mind and I remembered their stories. I remembered their lives that I had poured into and that they had poured into mine. I remembered thinking about how much I love them and how wonderful they are to me. As this was going on I felt tears begin to stream down my face and I looked up to see Mindy looking back at me, telling me that we were right where we needed to be, with her eyes. After months of wrestling and waiting I somewhat have an answer but now the question is how do I handle all of this? How do I attend school and manage a ministry? How, if I can do all this and still be a wonderful, loving husband? And also, how can be a loving father with so much going on? All of these thoughts are still racing through my mind and I don’t have any answers for them yet. But I know in my heart that if I’m patient and wait God will answer my prayers and help me through this challenging and thought-provoking time.