Moving On & Enduring Two More Losses

October 9, 2007
The next few weeks continued to be challenging as we dealt with this hurt and loss. Mindy and I would have moments of peace and moments of pain and tears. We struggled to get through the day sometimes as there were moments which we didn’t want to go on but by the grace of God we did. We pushed through the tears and the pain and moved through the motions. We waited to go back to church for the fear of what people may say or do. We didn’t think that we ready to deal with all the emotions so we held off for a week or so. Don’t get me wrong our church is extremely loving and gracious. During this time we received phone calls, food, prayers and over 200 cards expressing the love and sympathy from our church family. However, the greatest thing I saw was the love of our students towards us. The first week back I shared our hurt with the students and answered their questions. It was a difficult time but God grace guided me through. After we were done the students walked upstairs saw Mindy, hugged her and told her that they loved her and walked away. Mindy looked at me with tears in her eyes and just smiled. We talked about it later and thanked God for placing us in such a loving church. We are blessed to beyond words because of this church, our staff, and our students. I’ve been reminded of how much easier life is when God is in control. When He is calling the shots life seems to roll smoothly even those difficult times rather than kicking doors down to what we think we need. God is the perfect author and our job is to trust Him and step out in faith even when it’s difficult.

October 10, 2007
The next few days and weeks seemed to move very, very slowly for Mindy and I. We tried to get back into the routine of things but it was a struggle. After a couple of weeks we thought we were doing alright and moving forward. This was true until the phone rang. I already knew who was on the other end and what was going to be said before I ever looked at the caller ID. As I answered the phone I heard the words, “Matt, your grandpa Hart is gone.” The grief that we had been dealing with reasonably well suddenly came back in full force. It was at that very moment I realized that Mindy and I couldn’t deal with this on our own. We traveled down for the viewing and the funeral in disbelief that this was going on again. Another death, another funeral, it was too much as I fought through the tears. I remember my dad crying again very profoundly, which was something he never did. I remembered the words that were spoken to me a couple of weeks earlier at Callie’s funeral. “Your dad is crying so much because his son is hurting and he wants to take it away.” Those very words resounded with me at that very moment. The shoe was on the other foot now as I wanted to console Him. I saw my father grieving and I wanted to take his pain away. I wanted to help him in so many ways but all I could do was return the favor he had given me for so many years. All I could do was love him and for the first time that I could remember he allowed me too.

October 18, 2007
A few more weeks would pass by and life would start to get back to normal again when another tragedy would strike. We would receive another phone call that someone we loved was gone. My father’s sister Nickie had passed away after a long battle with cancer. It seemed so strange because we had just seen her a few weeks before at my grandfather’s funeral. I have to be honest when I say that I was numb to the whole thing. Each death had been separated by only two weeks and it was more than I could handle. I watched my father, who was extremely distraught, shedding a number of tears. I remained by his side showing him the type of love that he has shown me through the years of support and encouragement. I remember seeing his hurt and pain as his emotions were on his sleeve. After losing a grand-daughter, a father, and now a sister I could only attempt to understand apportion of his grief. This man, who for so many years had been an immovable force, was suddenly crumbling before my eyes. These few weeks were the first time I remember seeing my father cry but it made me realize who he was more than ever. He is one of my heroes and someone whose reputation and status I hope I can one day fulfill.
As the next few days and weeks would pass we knew that one of the most challenging days was quickly approaching. That day would be Wednesday, August 15th. This was the original due date for our daughter. This was the day that our lives were to be forever changed because we would be parents. However, instead of a day of celebration and joy, it was one of heartache and pain. We recalled all the events of losing our daughter again as we visited her gravesite that evening. As we sat there crying voicing our concerns to God again as we were left with the heartache of empty arms. Although this time has drawn Mindy and I closer together seeing the longing in her eyes to be a mother just tears me apart. I know her heart’s desire is and always has been to be a mother and we felt as though our prayers had been answered with Callie. However, on this day we were reminded that even though our arms were empty our daughter was in heaven dancing with Jesus. She will forever be our first born, our little angel who we know is always watching over us from heaven, anticipating the day when we will see her again and share our eternal lives together.