The Loss of a Special Little Girl, Day Three

August 20, 2007
This entry has been a long time coming because of the hurtful memories that took place on this day. It’s taken me a few days to prepare my heart to recall the events and almost two months to deal with the hurt. After a long two days in the hospital and two restless nights we were awakened at five in the morning to be told that we were ready. Mindy had fully dilated and we were ready to go through the most challenging time in our life. The next few hours were a blur and I remember them prepping Mindy for the delivery and just praying that she would be alright. As the delivery started we were both thinking about what was happening and the tragedy that awaited us. I remember crying and the pushing. Although her labor didn’t seem real bad it was one of the most difficult thing ever in our lives. After a short time of pushing and breathing our little girl came into the world. Although there was not any screaming or yelling like we had heard in the other rooms, I knew that we would have traded places with them in an instant. This next part is a challenge to recall because of the scars on my heart from it all. Callie Grace came into the world at 9:17 a.m. and her measurements were two pounds thirteen ounces and she was 15 ¾ inches long. She was the most beautiful of God’s creation that I have ever seen. Her face, hands, feet, nose, smile, eyes, everything was perfect. Everything except her heartbeat. Looking at our little girl I remembered thinking everything about her was perfect and beautiful and I remember the question of “Why?” through it all. I remember cutting the cord and waiting to hear a sound but nothing came. I remember still praying that the doctor’s had made a mistake and our little girl was alright. Deep down I knew they hadn’t but I remember thinking, “What if?” As I held our angel for the first time I remember thinking about how precious she was and for the first time even though our little girl would never say a word, that I was a daddy. Everything else seems to melt away because I was reminded that I was a daddy. The next few hours were so challenging because we would spend the brief amount of time that we would have with our little girl. The time we spent holding her, praying for her and sharing our hopes and dreams with here will never be forgotten. After some time with Mindy, Callie and I decide to go tell the family that she was here. As I walked to the waiting area, I could feel the lump in my throat getting bigger, the tears in my eyes welling up, and my heart breaking. This was the first time in my life that I can actually feel my heart breaking. It felt as though it was ripped in two and I’ve never hurt so badly.

August 21, 2007
As I approached our families I remember thinking what I would say. As I reached them, they jumped to their feet, smiled, cried, and hugged me (in that order I think). I couldn’t actually say anything through the tears until I finally squeaked out she’s perfect, she’s beautiful. I tried to say other things but that was all that came out. We walked over to the room as our families held their breath for what was to come. Mindy’s family went in first and they spent their time with our little girl. They cried and just commented on how perfect she was. My family came in next and had a similar reaction. During this time I remember seeing the hurt and the pain on their faces while they held little Callie Grace. Everything about her was perfect, her hands, face, feet everything. Her lips were bright red and I remember seeing her mouth open as if she were already singing in heaven. It was beautiful and so perfect but then reality would set in knowing that we couldn’t take her home. This reality became evident when I looked at the faces of our fathers. The grief was so real and so strong that the reality of our lost became real. Mindy and I both commented that we have never seen our fathers cry that way before. They have commented since that they knew how hurt we were and that they wanted to take it from us. During this challenging time Pastor Marilyn came in for a blessing of our little girl. This was a challenging time for all of us. I remember sitting on the bed next to Mindy crying, holding our angel and feeling so empty. I have never known such a hollow feeling before. My eyes would stare at the wall with nothing really going through my mind. I was just so empty and broken and I didn’t know if I would ever heal. At the end of the blessing I was asked to blow out the candle, which I couldn’t do. That flame represented my daughter and her life. That flame represented everything about her and blowing it out would mean that was it. Her life even though it was so short would be over. As her father, I must say that I never want to see that flame extinguished. I pray that my child’s flame burns forever. Even though her heart will never beat again, it will always beat through those who she impacted and touched everywhere. After the blessings our families left and gave Mindy and I some time to spend together with our little girl. As they left my heart continued to break as I looked at our little girl. I don’t know that I’ve ever cried so much and hurt so much as I did on June 29, 2007.

August 23, 2007
The next few moments are ones that I wish I could forever capture or retrieve. Shortly after our families left the doctor’s excused themselves and we were left for the last time with our little girl. Although we were not aware of it at the time, this would be the last we would see or hold our little girl. As we held her our arms we looked at her and shared our hearts. We shared the hopes, dreams and wishes that we had for our baby. We cried, shared our heartache with each other and with God. These moments will forever be etched on my heart as time that I wished I could get back. After a while Mindy asked me to take Callie because it was too hard for her. I remember holding our little angel, seeing my wife in tears and trying to understand why this happened to us. Mindy kept saying she was ready to go home and I couldn’t blame her. Two long days in the hospital, 29 hours of labor, who wouldn’t want to go home? However, the most challenging part was knowing that we didn’t get the reward of our daughter. I think this was the hardest part of the entire thing because we knew that our daughter wasn’t coming home. We knew that we would never see her fulfill our dreams and have her own. We knew that in order for us to go home Mindy had to prove that she was alright and capable of leaving. However, she pushed herself too far too fast and almost passed out. The nurses took car o her and I remember holding Callie in my arms and feeling helpless. As I stood there I remember thinking about the pain that will remain in my heart. I thought since I will never have an opportunity to teach my daughter anything new this was my chance. I took Callie over to the window opened the blinds just slightly and talked to her about the sun, the world, and heaven. Even though this was only a short time and our little girl was already gone I remember seeing her little mouth curl up into a smile. I don’t know if this was just a dream or something I imagined but I remember my daughter smiling. That moment is one that I will never forget! Shortly after this the doctors took Callie Grace away and that would be the last time that we would see and hold our little girl. The next few hours seemed like an eternity because we had to prove that Mindy’s medicine had worn off and that she was alright. After those long hours we were told that we could go home and we got ready to leave. As we were leaving we noticed a picture on the wall with a verse form Isaiah on it with a picture of a small child in the palm of God’s hand. This verse would come to comfort us in the days to come. I remember the elevator ride down, the nurse pushing Mindy out to the care in a wheelchair, and our empty arms. Mostly I remember our broken hearts and our empty arms. The whole experience seemed unreal and like it didn’t even happen. The shock was still so real and we still believed that we would go home and come back in two months to have our little girl. We will never forget those days, the heartache, the tears, the emotions, the fear, and the pain that were all so real and fresh. These emotions will always be etched on our hearts and we will always remember our little girl Callie Grace.

August 26, 2007
After arriving home Friday evening we noticed how everything was off. Nothing seemed to feel right. Mindy and I were upset and still shedding tears because of our broken hearts. However, we simply cling to our faith and we know that is what is true. We were already able to see some of the good that had come from our tragedy. Mindy and I were able to see our love for each other continue to grow and mature. We were grasping a better understanding of what God’s love was all about. We were beginning to sense His love more and more through a simple reminder. As we were discussing everything we came to see that although we did not choose or wish for this to happen our little girl was taken from us. We realized that God chose to sacrifice His Son for us to experience eternal life. God chose to give up His Son for us! This has allowed me to realize the depth of our love for each other and our desire to love has continued to grow ever since. Secondly we were able to see two different families brought together. We were able to see my family and Mindy’s family co-exist which is something that hadn’t happened to his point because of their differences. Third, we were able to see people from around the world unite in prayer for us. It was amazing to see the response of people when they were given a single cause. People from various churches began to pray. People on the east coast (Brian and his family) people on the west coast (who knew me from high school) began to pray. People around the world began to pray for us because of a conversation that our former Pastor, Maurice Grindle had. The barriers of denominations were removed and the fact that we are all Christians reigned supreme and untied people in a single cause. Fourth, we saw God used our faith in Him to start to reach other people. We began to see hearts that were hardened or unaware of God’s love be softened. We began to see people that we had and still are praying for turn to God during this time. Although they may have not walked through the door totally the seed was planted and tended to by our little girl Callie Grace. Fifth, (and although this is not everything I’m choosing to stop here) we saw the love of Christ through our church family. During the following weeks we would receive flowers, phone calls, meals, and over 200 cards from our church family. This reflected God’s love and showed us what happens when the body of Christ put hands and feet on the share the light of Christ. Again this is not everything that would take place as a result of Callie’s death but rather just the beginning of a number of good things to come.