The loss of a special little girl

These are some of the pages of a journal that I began to keep this past year. These thoughts, reflections, and ponderings are dated with the original date and in the original order that they were composed.

August 11, 2007
These past few weeks have been the worst of my life. I have experienced more pain and hurt than some people do in their whole lives. In the midst of this pain though I have seen and heard from other s about my relationship with the Lord growing. I see some of it and I do feel His presence more but it still hurts like crazy. The past few weeks went a little something like this.
June 26th – At this point Mindy was 33 weeks pregnant with our little angel, Callie Grace. She had been feeling uneasy and noticed some decreased movement for the baby. She moved her “normal” doctor’s appointment up to Wednesday and her mom went with her since everything was “normal.” We had just seen our daughter the previous week and everything was fine. We saw her heartbeat and saw her moving. However, this day of normal quickly changed when my phone rang and my mother-in-law told me there was not a heartbeat on Callie. I remember feelings of shock, disbelief, wonder and fear during this time. I remember thinking it was a mistake and surely it wasn’t true. I remember feeling angry towards anyone (the doctors, nurses, God) really everyone. I walked out of my office in a daze, wandering, looking, and not believing. I must say I imagine I felt like a homeless person who just wanders looking for food and shelter. I told our staff through the tears and the banging of my hand on the counter. They laid hands on me and prayed for God to help Mindy and I but heir words seemed so flippant and meaningless in spite of what was going on. Pastor Rick, who had only been at the church a week or two at the time offered to drive me to meet Mindy. We talked about simple, almost meaningless things and all the while I was still praying for a miracle. You see I believe that miracles happen every day we are just too busy to see them. Things like finding out my father had beaten cancer, seeing my grandfather and having him remember me despite his memory failing, and seeing my father’s heart breaking and his tears. I will get to the last two in a minute. As we arrived at the doctor’s office I remember rushing into the room, hugging Mindy first, and then dropping to my knees telling Callie she would be alright. Mindy fought back the tears long enough to tell me that it was too late and our little girl was gone. I remember the doctor coming in at that moment hearing that our daughter was gone I moved from a moment of praying for a miracle to one of a bittersweet realization that my daughter was gone and my wife was going to have to deliver Callie in order for her to be alright. Although we knew a trip to the hospital was going to happen nothing prepared us for the next three grueling days and the heartache that was to follow.
August 13, 2007
The next few days although they seemed like a whirlwind featured a number of moments that will forever be fossilized in my mind. After leaving the doctor’s office we went to the hospital and our lives would be forever changed. As we walked in we were met by a volunteer, who had no idea what our situation was and didn’t understand our request. Shortly after dealing with her, a nurse approached us and ushered us upstairs. I remember thinking the whole time that it was a mistake and our little girl was fine. The whole time Mindy and I were in tears and wondering why us. That is still a question that weighs heavily in my mind even today. Although I know that I don’t have the answer my faith will get me through. When we arrived upstairs they placed us in a room and began preparing Mindy for labor and delivery. As our families arrived and phone calls came and went I remember thinking the same two thoughts. “It was a mistake” and “Why us?” That night Mindy and I lay awake and by ourselves for a few hours and I remember praying with my wife like we had never prayed before. We asked God for a miracle which didn’t come in the form we wanted but still came. I remember talking to friends on the phone and hearing God voice through them. I remember talking to Brain and hearing him pray a prayer that only God, Himself could have written. I remember talking to my friend John and another John that I had interned under in Indianapolis and just crying as the Lord used them to comfort us. However, the one conversation that I will never forget was with Mrs. Robin Kuhrt. During our time on the phone she made a statement that has been said before and will be said again. She quoted the verse about God never giving you more than you can bear and stated that we should be honored for what we were going through. I remember thinking there was no way that this was an honoring time but rather a hurtful time. Later I would realize how true the above statement was for God to choose our little girl to accomplish some great and wonderful tasks in the days and weeks to come. The realities of the events were still shaky in our minds but by the end of the day we were exhausted and that was only day one.