Thursday, January 31, 2008
Remedy FM Podcast
Hey guys and gals, this past week I had an amazing opportunity to be a part of a wonderful radio station that plays uplifting music and is geared towards teenagers. The station is Remedy FM and it is broadcast on the internet only. If you would like to take a listen feel free to visit their web-site at www.remedy.fm. Also if you would like to check out the podcast you can click on the podcast link at the top of their page and scroll down to the ER Roundtable link. I was a part of the podcast from January 29 which dealt with Outreach. I hope you enjoy!
Picture in need of a caption
Alright everyone, I saw this picture and just laughed. I was wondering what kind of caption you would put to this picture.
A Wonderful Video Done By Our Students
A few months ago some our students decided to get together and put together a video for a conference that I was attending. Here is the finished product.
My Birthday & A New Hope
October 22, 2007
My birthday on September 22nd was supposed to be a wonderful occasion. Mindy was going to throw me a party and it was wonderful to spend time with our friends it was challenging without Callie. Even though I knew I was a father and we were able to talk about everything that had happened, it still hurt. I wanted to be able to hold my daughter in my arms as I heard happy birthday sung to me. Although I thought I was alright with the whole thing because my little angel was supposed to be there to celebrate with me. I guess in hindsight Callie was watching over me, on my special day. She was celebrating my day in heaven singing happy birthday to her daddy with Jesus.
Exactly two days after my birthday on September 24th I traveled across Fort Wayne to meet Mindy for dinner. I was early for dinner and decided I would stop by the cemetery and visit Callie’s gravesite. As I pulled up and felt all the feelings come back of losing our daughter I started to regret ever going. I knew however, that I was there for a reason so I walked to her grave and sat down beside it. I just sat there in silence for a while before I started to pray. Shortly after starting to ray tears began to fill my eyes. I can recall the majority of the prayer because I was voicing our desire to be parents. I knew that God had already knew the desires of our hearts, to be parents, but it was extremely hard without Callie, my birthday, and the fact that Mindy had thought she was pregnant just the week before, before she had a negative test from the doctor’s office. As I prayed I simply asked our little angel in heaven to put in a good word with the big man for me about our request. I left the gravesite that day with a heavy heart still but there was a small flicker of hope for some reason. The good thing was that I would only have to wait a couple of days for that hope to be fleshed out because my daughter works extremely quickly when it comes to helping her parents out.
As I mentioned yesterday Mindy and I didn’t have to wait long for our little girl to voice our concerns to God. Three days later we were preparing to leave for Nashville for the weekend to celebrate Owen’s birthday. Mindy came home earlier than usual from work and handed me a card, I quickly racked my brain for some special occasion as she remembers things that I don’t! But nothing came to my mind so I asked her what the card was for and she just told me to open it. As I opened the card and read the words my eyes began to fill with tears. These were not tears of sadness or despair but rather those of sheer joy and celebration. About the time I finished reading the card she placed a home pregnancy test on the table (which was positive!) I guess she figured that I would find it like I did the last time, so she carried it with her all day long. She had left work early to go to the doctor’s office to confirm her idea and dream and they informed her that it was true that we were expecting another child. This joy is still bubbling in my heart today as I think about being a father again. It’s going to be a struggle and some difficult times as our fears of what happened last time could happen again. We are praying every day for the health of this little one as we are dealing with our anxiety. It’s also hard because we desire to develop new hopes and dreams for this child rather than carrying Callie’s over. Although this will be challenging we are looking forward to spending our lives loving this little one in the same way we love our Callie Grace.
October 25, 2007
The gift of life is something that neither Mindy nor I take very lightly. After losing Callie we realized the importance of life and even more so the importance of life and even more so the importance of eternal life. Because of this realization we have spent extra time in prayer for our new special little one. We have asked for God to bless this child while keeping it and Mindy healthy. During our times of prayers one instance stands out above the rest. On October 7th as we found ourselves partaking in the Lord’s Supper. I felt something in me click. After taking the elements I knelt at the altar and began to pray. This was not your ordinary prayer as I found myself praying for our baby. As I was knelling at the altar I could feel the number of people next to me who would come, pray, and leave but yet I remained at the altar. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave as I knelt and prayed for our little one. I already feel such a connection to this child and I have been developing hopes and dreams for it knowing that it is no bigger than a grain of rice. God is an amazing God who is truly meeting our needs by giving us the blessing of this new little one along with all the hopes and dreams of being parents again.
My birthday on September 22nd was supposed to be a wonderful occasion. Mindy was going to throw me a party and it was wonderful to spend time with our friends it was challenging without Callie. Even though I knew I was a father and we were able to talk about everything that had happened, it still hurt. I wanted to be able to hold my daughter in my arms as I heard happy birthday sung to me. Although I thought I was alright with the whole thing because my little angel was supposed to be there to celebrate with me. I guess in hindsight Callie was watching over me, on my special day. She was celebrating my day in heaven singing happy birthday to her daddy with Jesus.
Exactly two days after my birthday on September 24th I traveled across Fort Wayne to meet Mindy for dinner. I was early for dinner and decided I would stop by the cemetery and visit Callie’s gravesite. As I pulled up and felt all the feelings come back of losing our daughter I started to regret ever going. I knew however, that I was there for a reason so I walked to her grave and sat down beside it. I just sat there in silence for a while before I started to pray. Shortly after starting to ray tears began to fill my eyes. I can recall the majority of the prayer because I was voicing our desire to be parents. I knew that God had already knew the desires of our hearts, to be parents, but it was extremely hard without Callie, my birthday, and the fact that Mindy had thought she was pregnant just the week before, before she had a negative test from the doctor’s office. As I prayed I simply asked our little angel in heaven to put in a good word with the big man for me about our request. I left the gravesite that day with a heavy heart still but there was a small flicker of hope for some reason. The good thing was that I would only have to wait a couple of days for that hope to be fleshed out because my daughter works extremely quickly when it comes to helping her parents out.
As I mentioned yesterday Mindy and I didn’t have to wait long for our little girl to voice our concerns to God. Three days later we were preparing to leave for Nashville for the weekend to celebrate Owen’s birthday. Mindy came home earlier than usual from work and handed me a card, I quickly racked my brain for some special occasion as she remembers things that I don’t! But nothing came to my mind so I asked her what the card was for and she just told me to open it. As I opened the card and read the words my eyes began to fill with tears. These were not tears of sadness or despair but rather those of sheer joy and celebration. About the time I finished reading the card she placed a home pregnancy test on the table (which was positive!) I guess she figured that I would find it like I did the last time, so she carried it with her all day long. She had left work early to go to the doctor’s office to confirm her idea and dream and they informed her that it was true that we were expecting another child. This joy is still bubbling in my heart today as I think about being a father again. It’s going to be a struggle and some difficult times as our fears of what happened last time could happen again. We are praying every day for the health of this little one as we are dealing with our anxiety. It’s also hard because we desire to develop new hopes and dreams for this child rather than carrying Callie’s over. Although this will be challenging we are looking forward to spending our lives loving this little one in the same way we love our Callie Grace.
October 25, 2007
The gift of life is something that neither Mindy nor I take very lightly. After losing Callie we realized the importance of life and even more so the importance of life and even more so the importance of eternal life. Because of this realization we have spent extra time in prayer for our new special little one. We have asked for God to bless this child while keeping it and Mindy healthy. During our times of prayers one instance stands out above the rest. On October 7th as we found ourselves partaking in the Lord’s Supper. I felt something in me click. After taking the elements I knelt at the altar and began to pray. This was not your ordinary prayer as I found myself praying for our baby. As I was knelling at the altar I could feel the number of people next to me who would come, pray, and leave but yet I remained at the altar. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave as I knelt and prayed for our little one. I already feel such a connection to this child and I have been developing hopes and dreams for it knowing that it is no bigger than a grain of rice. God is an amazing God who is truly meeting our needs by giving us the blessing of this new little one along with all the hopes and dreams of being parents again.
Moving On & Enduring Two More Losses
October 9, 2007
The next few weeks continued to be challenging as we dealt with this hurt and loss. Mindy and I would have moments of peace and moments of pain and tears. We struggled to get through the day sometimes as there were moments which we didn’t want to go on but by the grace of God we did. We pushed through the tears and the pain and moved through the motions. We waited to go back to church for the fear of what people may say or do. We didn’t think that we ready to deal with all the emotions so we held off for a week or so. Don’t get me wrong our church is extremely loving and gracious. During this time we received phone calls, food, prayers and over 200 cards expressing the love and sympathy from our church family. However, the greatest thing I saw was the love of our students towards us. The first week back I shared our hurt with the students and answered their questions. It was a difficult time but God grace guided me through. After we were done the students walked upstairs saw Mindy, hugged her and told her that they loved her and walked away. Mindy looked at me with tears in her eyes and just smiled. We talked about it later and thanked God for placing us in such a loving church. We are blessed to beyond words because of this church, our staff, and our students. I’ve been reminded of how much easier life is when God is in control. When He is calling the shots life seems to roll smoothly even those difficult times rather than kicking doors down to what we think we need. God is the perfect author and our job is to trust Him and step out in faith even when it’s difficult.
October 10, 2007
The next few days and weeks seemed to move very, very slowly for Mindy and I. We tried to get back into the routine of things but it was a struggle. After a couple of weeks we thought we were doing alright and moving forward. This was true until the phone rang. I already knew who was on the other end and what was going to be said before I ever looked at the caller ID. As I answered the phone I heard the words, “Matt, your grandpa Hart is gone.” The grief that we had been dealing with reasonably well suddenly came back in full force. It was at that very moment I realized that Mindy and I couldn’t deal with this on our own. We traveled down for the viewing and the funeral in disbelief that this was going on again. Another death, another funeral, it was too much as I fought through the tears. I remember my dad crying again very profoundly, which was something he never did. I remembered the words that were spoken to me a couple of weeks earlier at Callie’s funeral. “Your dad is crying so much because his son is hurting and he wants to take it away.” Those very words resounded with me at that very moment. The shoe was on the other foot now as I wanted to console Him. I saw my father grieving and I wanted to take his pain away. I wanted to help him in so many ways but all I could do was return the favor he had given me for so many years. All I could do was love him and for the first time that I could remember he allowed me too.
October 18, 2007
A few more weeks would pass by and life would start to get back to normal again when another tragedy would strike. We would receive another phone call that someone we loved was gone. My father’s sister Nickie had passed away after a long battle with cancer. It seemed so strange because we had just seen her a few weeks before at my grandfather’s funeral. I have to be honest when I say that I was numb to the whole thing. Each death had been separated by only two weeks and it was more than I could handle. I watched my father, who was extremely distraught, shedding a number of tears. I remained by his side showing him the type of love that he has shown me through the years of support and encouragement. I remember seeing his hurt and pain as his emotions were on his sleeve. After losing a grand-daughter, a father, and now a sister I could only attempt to understand apportion of his grief. This man, who for so many years had been an immovable force, was suddenly crumbling before my eyes. These few weeks were the first time I remember seeing my father cry but it made me realize who he was more than ever. He is one of my heroes and someone whose reputation and status I hope I can one day fulfill.
As the next few days and weeks would pass we knew that one of the most challenging days was quickly approaching. That day would be Wednesday, August 15th. This was the original due date for our daughter. This was the day that our lives were to be forever changed because we would be parents. However, instead of a day of celebration and joy, it was one of heartache and pain. We recalled all the events of losing our daughter again as we visited her gravesite that evening. As we sat there crying voicing our concerns to God again as we were left with the heartache of empty arms. Although this time has drawn Mindy and I closer together seeing the longing in her eyes to be a mother just tears me apart. I know her heart’s desire is and always has been to be a mother and we felt as though our prayers had been answered with Callie. However, on this day we were reminded that even though our arms were empty our daughter was in heaven dancing with Jesus. She will forever be our first born, our little angel who we know is always watching over us from heaven, anticipating the day when we will see her again and share our eternal lives together.
The next few weeks continued to be challenging as we dealt with this hurt and loss. Mindy and I would have moments of peace and moments of pain and tears. We struggled to get through the day sometimes as there were moments which we didn’t want to go on but by the grace of God we did. We pushed through the tears and the pain and moved through the motions. We waited to go back to church for the fear of what people may say or do. We didn’t think that we ready to deal with all the emotions so we held off for a week or so. Don’t get me wrong our church is extremely loving and gracious. During this time we received phone calls, food, prayers and over 200 cards expressing the love and sympathy from our church family. However, the greatest thing I saw was the love of our students towards us. The first week back I shared our hurt with the students and answered their questions. It was a difficult time but God grace guided me through. After we were done the students walked upstairs saw Mindy, hugged her and told her that they loved her and walked away. Mindy looked at me with tears in her eyes and just smiled. We talked about it later and thanked God for placing us in such a loving church. We are blessed to beyond words because of this church, our staff, and our students. I’ve been reminded of how much easier life is when God is in control. When He is calling the shots life seems to roll smoothly even those difficult times rather than kicking doors down to what we think we need. God is the perfect author and our job is to trust Him and step out in faith even when it’s difficult.
October 10, 2007
The next few days and weeks seemed to move very, very slowly for Mindy and I. We tried to get back into the routine of things but it was a struggle. After a couple of weeks we thought we were doing alright and moving forward. This was true until the phone rang. I already knew who was on the other end and what was going to be said before I ever looked at the caller ID. As I answered the phone I heard the words, “Matt, your grandpa Hart is gone.” The grief that we had been dealing with reasonably well suddenly came back in full force. It was at that very moment I realized that Mindy and I couldn’t deal with this on our own. We traveled down for the viewing and the funeral in disbelief that this was going on again. Another death, another funeral, it was too much as I fought through the tears. I remember my dad crying again very profoundly, which was something he never did. I remembered the words that were spoken to me a couple of weeks earlier at Callie’s funeral. “Your dad is crying so much because his son is hurting and he wants to take it away.” Those very words resounded with me at that very moment. The shoe was on the other foot now as I wanted to console Him. I saw my father grieving and I wanted to take his pain away. I wanted to help him in so many ways but all I could do was return the favor he had given me for so many years. All I could do was love him and for the first time that I could remember he allowed me too.
October 18, 2007
A few more weeks would pass by and life would start to get back to normal again when another tragedy would strike. We would receive another phone call that someone we loved was gone. My father’s sister Nickie had passed away after a long battle with cancer. It seemed so strange because we had just seen her a few weeks before at my grandfather’s funeral. I have to be honest when I say that I was numb to the whole thing. Each death had been separated by only two weeks and it was more than I could handle. I watched my father, who was extremely distraught, shedding a number of tears. I remained by his side showing him the type of love that he has shown me through the years of support and encouragement. I remember seeing his hurt and pain as his emotions were on his sleeve. After losing a grand-daughter, a father, and now a sister I could only attempt to understand apportion of his grief. This man, who for so many years had been an immovable force, was suddenly crumbling before my eyes. These few weeks were the first time I remember seeing my father cry but it made me realize who he was more than ever. He is one of my heroes and someone whose reputation and status I hope I can one day fulfill.
As the next few days and weeks would pass we knew that one of the most challenging days was quickly approaching. That day would be Wednesday, August 15th. This was the original due date for our daughter. This was the day that our lives were to be forever changed because we would be parents. However, instead of a day of celebration and joy, it was one of heartache and pain. We recalled all the events of losing our daughter again as we visited her gravesite that evening. As we sat there crying voicing our concerns to God again as we were left with the heartache of empty arms. Although this time has drawn Mindy and I closer together seeing the longing in her eyes to be a mother just tears me apart. I know her heart’s desire is and always has been to be a mother and we felt as though our prayers had been answered with Callie. However, on this day we were reminded that even though our arms were empty our daughter was in heaven dancing with Jesus. She will forever be our first born, our little angel who we know is always watching over us from heaven, anticipating the day when we will see her again and share our eternal lives together.
Saying Goodbye
October 8, 2007
Tuesday was the hardest day of my life to date. This would be the day that Mindy and I would bury our lovely little Callie Grace. As we arrived at the cemetery we were already emotional. Our families arrived shortly after with the pastors and we simply stood in waiting. The funeral director was late so we waited and talked for a while. After a short time I remember Mindy and I walked around the fountain at the front of the cemetery. We talked about the dreams and desires we had for our little girl. We discussed the heartache that we faced and how we would deal with the hurt during the upcoming weeks. Once the funeral director arrived we traveled to the gravesite. As we got out I remember looking at the small box our daughter was to be buried in and thinking it wasn’t so. Mindy and I cried as we thought about the fact that we will never see our little daughter again. As we started I remember Rick and Marilyn doing the service and asking us to share our hearts about Callie. Fighting back the tears I opened my mouth and began talking about my daughter. I shared my heart about what she meant to us and the love we had her. All I could really think about though was something Mindy had said, which was, “The first thing Callie saw when she opened her eyes was Jesus.” If we could all be so lucky to see our little girl who saw Jesus first and I wish I was that lucky. I wish that I would see Him and follow Him before anything else it would be great. My daughter is the luckiest person I know because she gets to spend her whole life in the arms of Jesus while we long to be reunited with Him and reunited with our daughter. After the service people began to leave and I sat by the small box and reminded my daughter once more of how much I love her. I remember crying so much and seeing our family shedding tears for us. I have never seen them weep the way they did before but I was reminded in those moments for their love for us. I remember crying and understanding what parents feel for the children for the first time. I understand what a parent’s love is for the first time. It’s not something you can describe or fully understand until you are in that position. A parent’s love, especially a father’s love for his daughter runs deep and I will never forget my Callie Grace as her name will forever be etched on daddy’s heart.
Tuesday was the hardest day of my life to date. This would be the day that Mindy and I would bury our lovely little Callie Grace. As we arrived at the cemetery we were already emotional. Our families arrived shortly after with the pastors and we simply stood in waiting. The funeral director was late so we waited and talked for a while. After a short time I remember Mindy and I walked around the fountain at the front of the cemetery. We talked about the dreams and desires we had for our little girl. We discussed the heartache that we faced and how we would deal with the hurt during the upcoming weeks. Once the funeral director arrived we traveled to the gravesite. As we got out I remember looking at the small box our daughter was to be buried in and thinking it wasn’t so. Mindy and I cried as we thought about the fact that we will never see our little daughter again. As we started I remember Rick and Marilyn doing the service and asking us to share our hearts about Callie. Fighting back the tears I opened my mouth and began talking about my daughter. I shared my heart about what she meant to us and the love we had her. All I could really think about though was something Mindy had said, which was, “The first thing Callie saw when she opened her eyes was Jesus.” If we could all be so lucky to see our little girl who saw Jesus first and I wish I was that lucky. I wish that I would see Him and follow Him before anything else it would be great. My daughter is the luckiest person I know because she gets to spend her whole life in the arms of Jesus while we long to be reunited with Him and reunited with our daughter. After the service people began to leave and I sat by the small box and reminded my daughter once more of how much I love her. I remember crying so much and seeing our family shedding tears for us. I have never seen them weep the way they did before but I was reminded in those moments for their love for us. I remember crying and understanding what parents feel for the children for the first time. I understand what a parent’s love is for the first time. It’s not something you can describe or fully understand until you are in that position. A parent’s love, especially a father’s love for his daughter runs deep and I will never forget my Callie Grace as her name will forever be etched on daddy’s heart.
The Weeks After
August 31, 2007
The next few days were honestly a whirlwind of activity. We came home on Friday, spent Saturday in thought and then met the funeral home on Sunday. It was one of the hardest and scariest things I had ever done. Even though we knew what had happened, it still didn’t seem right. We saw a casket similar to the one our little girl would be buried in and the reality started to sink in more. We had to purchase a special outfit because Callie was so little and we had a number of things we wanted to bury her with but the funeral director explained we wouldn’t have enough room for all of it. We then had to pick and choose what she would wear and be buried with. We chose to include some very special ting that were just for Callie such as bibs, books, and a special little silly buddy just for her. As we left the funeral home we were still wondering “why?” and “what happened?” Even though we would not receive an answer and still haven’t we continue to rely on our faith, which was our crutch and cornerstone during this difficult time.
Monday, was another challenging day as we would go to the cemetery to discuss where Callie would be buried. After a brief time there we were finished and ready to go home. Even though we knew Tuesday would be a challenging day because of the funeral we still clung to our faith, each other, and our family. We thought about and talked about the heartache that had been and that we knew was yet to come. Even though we thought we knew what we would feel nothing could prepare us for the heartache that was to come as we stood together for our daughter funeral on July 3, 2007.
The next few days were honestly a whirlwind of activity. We came home on Friday, spent Saturday in thought and then met the funeral home on Sunday. It was one of the hardest and scariest things I had ever done. Even though we knew what had happened, it still didn’t seem right. We saw a casket similar to the one our little girl would be buried in and the reality started to sink in more. We had to purchase a special outfit because Callie was so little and we had a number of things we wanted to bury her with but the funeral director explained we wouldn’t have enough room for all of it. We then had to pick and choose what she would wear and be buried with. We chose to include some very special ting that were just for Callie such as bibs, books, and a special little silly buddy just for her. As we left the funeral home we were still wondering “why?” and “what happened?” Even though we would not receive an answer and still haven’t we continue to rely on our faith, which was our crutch and cornerstone during this difficult time.
Monday, was another challenging day as we would go to the cemetery to discuss where Callie would be buried. After a brief time there we were finished and ready to go home. Even though we knew Tuesday would be a challenging day because of the funeral we still clung to our faith, each other, and our family. We thought about and talked about the heartache that had been and that we knew was yet to come. Even though we thought we knew what we would feel nothing could prepare us for the heartache that was to come as we stood together for our daughter funeral on July 3, 2007.
The Loss of a Special Little Girl, Day Three
August 20, 2007
This entry has been a long time coming because of the hurtful memories that took place on this day. It’s taken me a few days to prepare my heart to recall the events and almost two months to deal with the hurt. After a long two days in the hospital and two restless nights we were awakened at five in the morning to be told that we were ready. Mindy had fully dilated and we were ready to go through the most challenging time in our life. The next few hours were a blur and I remember them prepping Mindy for the delivery and just praying that she would be alright. As the delivery started we were both thinking about what was happening and the tragedy that awaited us. I remember crying and the pushing. Although her labor didn’t seem real bad it was one of the most difficult thing ever in our lives. After a short time of pushing and breathing our little girl came into the world. Although there was not any screaming or yelling like we had heard in the other rooms, I knew that we would have traded places with them in an instant. This next part is a challenge to recall because of the scars on my heart from it all. Callie Grace came into the world at 9:17 a.m. and her measurements were two pounds thirteen ounces and she was 15 ¾ inches long. She was the most beautiful of God’s creation that I have ever seen. Her face, hands, feet, nose, smile, eyes, everything was perfect. Everything except her heartbeat. Looking at our little girl I remembered thinking everything about her was perfect and beautiful and I remember the question of “Why?” through it all. I remember cutting the cord and waiting to hear a sound but nothing came. I remember still praying that the doctor’s had made a mistake and our little girl was alright. Deep down I knew they hadn’t but I remember thinking, “What if?” As I held our angel for the first time I remember thinking about how precious she was and for the first time even though our little girl would never say a word, that I was a daddy. Everything else seems to melt away because I was reminded that I was a daddy. The next few hours were so challenging because we would spend the brief amount of time that we would have with our little girl. The time we spent holding her, praying for her and sharing our hopes and dreams with here will never be forgotten. After some time with Mindy, Callie and I decide to go tell the family that she was here. As I walked to the waiting area, I could feel the lump in my throat getting bigger, the tears in my eyes welling up, and my heart breaking. This was the first time in my life that I can actually feel my heart breaking. It felt as though it was ripped in two and I’ve never hurt so badly.
August 21, 2007
As I approached our families I remember thinking what I would say. As I reached them, they jumped to their feet, smiled, cried, and hugged me (in that order I think). I couldn’t actually say anything through the tears until I finally squeaked out she’s perfect, she’s beautiful. I tried to say other things but that was all that came out. We walked over to the room as our families held their breath for what was to come. Mindy’s family went in first and they spent their time with our little girl. They cried and just commented on how perfect she was. My family came in next and had a similar reaction. During this time I remember seeing the hurt and the pain on their faces while they held little Callie Grace. Everything about her was perfect, her hands, face, feet everything. Her lips were bright red and I remember seeing her mouth open as if she were already singing in heaven. It was beautiful and so perfect but then reality would set in knowing that we couldn’t take her home. This reality became evident when I looked at the faces of our fathers. The grief was so real and so strong that the reality of our lost became real. Mindy and I both commented that we have never seen our fathers cry that way before. They have commented since that they knew how hurt we were and that they wanted to take it from us. During this challenging time Pastor Marilyn came in for a blessing of our little girl. This was a challenging time for all of us. I remember sitting on the bed next to Mindy crying, holding our angel and feeling so empty. I have never known such a hollow feeling before. My eyes would stare at the wall with nothing really going through my mind. I was just so empty and broken and I didn’t know if I would ever heal. At the end of the blessing I was asked to blow out the candle, which I couldn’t do. That flame represented my daughter and her life. That flame represented everything about her and blowing it out would mean that was it. Her life even though it was so short would be over. As her father, I must say that I never want to see that flame extinguished. I pray that my child’s flame burns forever. Even though her heart will never beat again, it will always beat through those who she impacted and touched everywhere. After the blessings our families left and gave Mindy and I some time to spend together with our little girl. As they left my heart continued to break as I looked at our little girl. I don’t know that I’ve ever cried so much and hurt so much as I did on June 29, 2007.
August 23, 2007
The next few moments are ones that I wish I could forever capture or retrieve. Shortly after our families left the doctor’s excused themselves and we were left for the last time with our little girl. Although we were not aware of it at the time, this would be the last we would see or hold our little girl. As we held her our arms we looked at her and shared our hearts. We shared the hopes, dreams and wishes that we had for our baby. We cried, shared our heartache with each other and with God. These moments will forever be etched on my heart as time that I wished I could get back. After a while Mindy asked me to take Callie because it was too hard for her. I remember holding our little angel, seeing my wife in tears and trying to understand why this happened to us. Mindy kept saying she was ready to go home and I couldn’t blame her. Two long days in the hospital, 29 hours of labor, who wouldn’t want to go home? However, the most challenging part was knowing that we didn’t get the reward of our daughter. I think this was the hardest part of the entire thing because we knew that our daughter wasn’t coming home. We knew that we would never see her fulfill our dreams and have her own. We knew that in order for us to go home Mindy had to prove that she was alright and capable of leaving. However, she pushed herself too far too fast and almost passed out. The nurses took car o her and I remember holding Callie in my arms and feeling helpless. As I stood there I remember thinking about the pain that will remain in my heart. I thought since I will never have an opportunity to teach my daughter anything new this was my chance. I took Callie over to the window opened the blinds just slightly and talked to her about the sun, the world, and heaven. Even though this was only a short time and our little girl was already gone I remember seeing her little mouth curl up into a smile. I don’t know if this was just a dream or something I imagined but I remember my daughter smiling. That moment is one that I will never forget! Shortly after this the doctors took Callie Grace away and that would be the last time that we would see and hold our little girl. The next few hours seemed like an eternity because we had to prove that Mindy’s medicine had worn off and that she was alright. After those long hours we were told that we could go home and we got ready to leave. As we were leaving we noticed a picture on the wall with a verse form Isaiah on it with a picture of a small child in the palm of God’s hand. This verse would come to comfort us in the days to come. I remember the elevator ride down, the nurse pushing Mindy out to the care in a wheelchair, and our empty arms. Mostly I remember our broken hearts and our empty arms. The whole experience seemed unreal and like it didn’t even happen. The shock was still so real and we still believed that we would go home and come back in two months to have our little girl. We will never forget those days, the heartache, the tears, the emotions, the fear, and the pain that were all so real and fresh. These emotions will always be etched on our hearts and we will always remember our little girl Callie Grace.
August 26, 2007
After arriving home Friday evening we noticed how everything was off. Nothing seemed to feel right. Mindy and I were upset and still shedding tears because of our broken hearts. However, we simply cling to our faith and we know that is what is true. We were already able to see some of the good that had come from our tragedy. Mindy and I were able to see our love for each other continue to grow and mature. We were grasping a better understanding of what God’s love was all about. We were beginning to sense His love more and more through a simple reminder. As we were discussing everything we came to see that although we did not choose or wish for this to happen our little girl was taken from us. We realized that God chose to sacrifice His Son for us to experience eternal life. God chose to give up His Son for us! This has allowed me to realize the depth of our love for each other and our desire to love has continued to grow ever since. Secondly we were able to see two different families brought together. We were able to see my family and Mindy’s family co-exist which is something that hadn’t happened to his point because of their differences. Third, we were able to see people from around the world unite in prayer for us. It was amazing to see the response of people when they were given a single cause. People from various churches began to pray. People on the east coast (Brian and his family) people on the west coast (who knew me from high school) began to pray. People around the world began to pray for us because of a conversation that our former Pastor, Maurice Grindle had. The barriers of denominations were removed and the fact that we are all Christians reigned supreme and untied people in a single cause. Fourth, we saw God used our faith in Him to start to reach other people. We began to see hearts that were hardened or unaware of God’s love be softened. We began to see people that we had and still are praying for turn to God during this time. Although they may have not walked through the door totally the seed was planted and tended to by our little girl Callie Grace. Fifth, (and although this is not everything I’m choosing to stop here) we saw the love of Christ through our church family. During the following weeks we would receive flowers, phone calls, meals, and over 200 cards from our church family. This reflected God’s love and showed us what happens when the body of Christ put hands and feet on the share the light of Christ. Again this is not everything that would take place as a result of Callie’s death but rather just the beginning of a number of good things to come.
This entry has been a long time coming because of the hurtful memories that took place on this day. It’s taken me a few days to prepare my heart to recall the events and almost two months to deal with the hurt. After a long two days in the hospital and two restless nights we were awakened at five in the morning to be told that we were ready. Mindy had fully dilated and we were ready to go through the most challenging time in our life. The next few hours were a blur and I remember them prepping Mindy for the delivery and just praying that she would be alright. As the delivery started we were both thinking about what was happening and the tragedy that awaited us. I remember crying and the pushing. Although her labor didn’t seem real bad it was one of the most difficult thing ever in our lives. After a short time of pushing and breathing our little girl came into the world. Although there was not any screaming or yelling like we had heard in the other rooms, I knew that we would have traded places with them in an instant. This next part is a challenge to recall because of the scars on my heart from it all. Callie Grace came into the world at 9:17 a.m. and her measurements were two pounds thirteen ounces and she was 15 ¾ inches long. She was the most beautiful of God’s creation that I have ever seen. Her face, hands, feet, nose, smile, eyes, everything was perfect. Everything except her heartbeat. Looking at our little girl I remembered thinking everything about her was perfect and beautiful and I remember the question of “Why?” through it all. I remember cutting the cord and waiting to hear a sound but nothing came. I remember still praying that the doctor’s had made a mistake and our little girl was alright. Deep down I knew they hadn’t but I remember thinking, “What if?” As I held our angel for the first time I remember thinking about how precious she was and for the first time even though our little girl would never say a word, that I was a daddy. Everything else seems to melt away because I was reminded that I was a daddy. The next few hours were so challenging because we would spend the brief amount of time that we would have with our little girl. The time we spent holding her, praying for her and sharing our hopes and dreams with here will never be forgotten. After some time with Mindy, Callie and I decide to go tell the family that she was here. As I walked to the waiting area, I could feel the lump in my throat getting bigger, the tears in my eyes welling up, and my heart breaking. This was the first time in my life that I can actually feel my heart breaking. It felt as though it was ripped in two and I’ve never hurt so badly.
August 21, 2007
As I approached our families I remember thinking what I would say. As I reached them, they jumped to their feet, smiled, cried, and hugged me (in that order I think). I couldn’t actually say anything through the tears until I finally squeaked out she’s perfect, she’s beautiful. I tried to say other things but that was all that came out. We walked over to the room as our families held their breath for what was to come. Mindy’s family went in first and they spent their time with our little girl. They cried and just commented on how perfect she was. My family came in next and had a similar reaction. During this time I remember seeing the hurt and the pain on their faces while they held little Callie Grace. Everything about her was perfect, her hands, face, feet everything. Her lips were bright red and I remember seeing her mouth open as if she were already singing in heaven. It was beautiful and so perfect but then reality would set in knowing that we couldn’t take her home. This reality became evident when I looked at the faces of our fathers. The grief was so real and so strong that the reality of our lost became real. Mindy and I both commented that we have never seen our fathers cry that way before. They have commented since that they knew how hurt we were and that they wanted to take it from us. During this challenging time Pastor Marilyn came in for a blessing of our little girl. This was a challenging time for all of us. I remember sitting on the bed next to Mindy crying, holding our angel and feeling so empty. I have never known such a hollow feeling before. My eyes would stare at the wall with nothing really going through my mind. I was just so empty and broken and I didn’t know if I would ever heal. At the end of the blessing I was asked to blow out the candle, which I couldn’t do. That flame represented my daughter and her life. That flame represented everything about her and blowing it out would mean that was it. Her life even though it was so short would be over. As her father, I must say that I never want to see that flame extinguished. I pray that my child’s flame burns forever. Even though her heart will never beat again, it will always beat through those who she impacted and touched everywhere. After the blessings our families left and gave Mindy and I some time to spend together with our little girl. As they left my heart continued to break as I looked at our little girl. I don’t know that I’ve ever cried so much and hurt so much as I did on June 29, 2007.
August 23, 2007
The next few moments are ones that I wish I could forever capture or retrieve. Shortly after our families left the doctor’s excused themselves and we were left for the last time with our little girl. Although we were not aware of it at the time, this would be the last we would see or hold our little girl. As we held her our arms we looked at her and shared our hearts. We shared the hopes, dreams and wishes that we had for our baby. We cried, shared our heartache with each other and with God. These moments will forever be etched on my heart as time that I wished I could get back. After a while Mindy asked me to take Callie because it was too hard for her. I remember holding our little angel, seeing my wife in tears and trying to understand why this happened to us. Mindy kept saying she was ready to go home and I couldn’t blame her. Two long days in the hospital, 29 hours of labor, who wouldn’t want to go home? However, the most challenging part was knowing that we didn’t get the reward of our daughter. I think this was the hardest part of the entire thing because we knew that our daughter wasn’t coming home. We knew that we would never see her fulfill our dreams and have her own. We knew that in order for us to go home Mindy had to prove that she was alright and capable of leaving. However, she pushed herself too far too fast and almost passed out. The nurses took car o her and I remember holding Callie in my arms and feeling helpless. As I stood there I remember thinking about the pain that will remain in my heart. I thought since I will never have an opportunity to teach my daughter anything new this was my chance. I took Callie over to the window opened the blinds just slightly and talked to her about the sun, the world, and heaven. Even though this was only a short time and our little girl was already gone I remember seeing her little mouth curl up into a smile. I don’t know if this was just a dream or something I imagined but I remember my daughter smiling. That moment is one that I will never forget! Shortly after this the doctors took Callie Grace away and that would be the last time that we would see and hold our little girl. The next few hours seemed like an eternity because we had to prove that Mindy’s medicine had worn off and that she was alright. After those long hours we were told that we could go home and we got ready to leave. As we were leaving we noticed a picture on the wall with a verse form Isaiah on it with a picture of a small child in the palm of God’s hand. This verse would come to comfort us in the days to come. I remember the elevator ride down, the nurse pushing Mindy out to the care in a wheelchair, and our empty arms. Mostly I remember our broken hearts and our empty arms. The whole experience seemed unreal and like it didn’t even happen. The shock was still so real and we still believed that we would go home and come back in two months to have our little girl. We will never forget those days, the heartache, the tears, the emotions, the fear, and the pain that were all so real and fresh. These emotions will always be etched on our hearts and we will always remember our little girl Callie Grace.
August 26, 2007
After arriving home Friday evening we noticed how everything was off. Nothing seemed to feel right. Mindy and I were upset and still shedding tears because of our broken hearts. However, we simply cling to our faith and we know that is what is true. We were already able to see some of the good that had come from our tragedy. Mindy and I were able to see our love for each other continue to grow and mature. We were grasping a better understanding of what God’s love was all about. We were beginning to sense His love more and more through a simple reminder. As we were discussing everything we came to see that although we did not choose or wish for this to happen our little girl was taken from us. We realized that God chose to sacrifice His Son for us to experience eternal life. God chose to give up His Son for us! This has allowed me to realize the depth of our love for each other and our desire to love has continued to grow ever since. Secondly we were able to see two different families brought together. We were able to see my family and Mindy’s family co-exist which is something that hadn’t happened to his point because of their differences. Third, we were able to see people from around the world unite in prayer for us. It was amazing to see the response of people when they were given a single cause. People from various churches began to pray. People on the east coast (Brian and his family) people on the west coast (who knew me from high school) began to pray. People around the world began to pray for us because of a conversation that our former Pastor, Maurice Grindle had. The barriers of denominations were removed and the fact that we are all Christians reigned supreme and untied people in a single cause. Fourth, we saw God used our faith in Him to start to reach other people. We began to see hearts that were hardened or unaware of God’s love be softened. We began to see people that we had and still are praying for turn to God during this time. Although they may have not walked through the door totally the seed was planted and tended to by our little girl Callie Grace. Fifth, (and although this is not everything I’m choosing to stop here) we saw the love of Christ through our church family. During the following weeks we would receive flowers, phone calls, meals, and over 200 cards from our church family. This reflected God’s love and showed us what happens when the body of Christ put hands and feet on the share the light of Christ. Again this is not everything that would take place as a result of Callie’s death but rather just the beginning of a number of good things to come.
The Loss of a Special Little Girl, Day Two
August 14, 2007
Thursday was a blur, and mostly filled with uneventful things. I remember them staring Mindy on medicine to make her start contractions. Although she wasn’t in physical pain it was still a long day filled with questions and tears. We still fielded phone calls, visited with family, and attempted to deal with our hurt. In spite of a calmer day where we had been treated wonderfully by the nurses, doctors, and staff of the hospital something was bound to go wrong. The only family that we requested join us at the hospital were our parents and our sisters. However, one of my cousins decided to show up and change everyone’s attitude and everything. As I mentioned earlier we were treated incredibly well by the hospital staff and we were sharing our faith with a number of them. During the evening the doctor told us that he would be in at a certain point or time which he missed because of other things. In the midst of this my cousin took it upon herself to charge around the floor yelling and looking for the doctor. In the midst of the pain and tragedy we were now forced to deal with the ranting of a family member! During this however I was reminded of the old saying, “You can attract more bees with honey” and the thought of how your attitude can change a situation. We had a positive attitude and we were being optimistic trying to make the best out of a bad situation and here was one person wrecking everything. One person’s negativity changed everything and how true is that in life as well. If one person is negative the entire attitude and mood of a group can change. You’re then forced to apologize for their actions and behavior, which leads to more uneasiness. We were reminded of the need to have a positive attitude through everything and the good that can come from it. Also I remember thinking to myself that maybe something could go wrong and that Mindy was in danger because they started the medicine at five in the morning and by ten at night they hadn’t seem much of a change. We were wondering what would happen and they changed medicine again which would increase everything and her along. As we moved towards Friday we still found ourselves covered in tears and wondering what the next day held for us. Even though we thought we were prepared for the events to come however nothing could prepare us for the heartache and pain that we were going to face.
Thursday was a blur, and mostly filled with uneventful things. I remember them staring Mindy on medicine to make her start contractions. Although she wasn’t in physical pain it was still a long day filled with questions and tears. We still fielded phone calls, visited with family, and attempted to deal with our hurt. In spite of a calmer day where we had been treated wonderfully by the nurses, doctors, and staff of the hospital something was bound to go wrong. The only family that we requested join us at the hospital were our parents and our sisters. However, one of my cousins decided to show up and change everyone’s attitude and everything. As I mentioned earlier we were treated incredibly well by the hospital staff and we were sharing our faith with a number of them. During the evening the doctor told us that he would be in at a certain point or time which he missed because of other things. In the midst of this my cousin took it upon herself to charge around the floor yelling and looking for the doctor. In the midst of the pain and tragedy we were now forced to deal with the ranting of a family member! During this however I was reminded of the old saying, “You can attract more bees with honey” and the thought of how your attitude can change a situation. We had a positive attitude and we were being optimistic trying to make the best out of a bad situation and here was one person wrecking everything. One person’s negativity changed everything and how true is that in life as well. If one person is negative the entire attitude and mood of a group can change. You’re then forced to apologize for their actions and behavior, which leads to more uneasiness. We were reminded of the need to have a positive attitude through everything and the good that can come from it. Also I remember thinking to myself that maybe something could go wrong and that Mindy was in danger because they started the medicine at five in the morning and by ten at night they hadn’t seem much of a change. We were wondering what would happen and they changed medicine again which would increase everything and her along. As we moved towards Friday we still found ourselves covered in tears and wondering what the next day held for us. Even though we thought we were prepared for the events to come however nothing could prepare us for the heartache and pain that we were going to face.
The loss of a special little girl
These are some of the pages of a journal that I began to keep this past year. These thoughts, reflections, and ponderings are dated with the original date and in the original order that they were composed.
August 11, 2007
These past few weeks have been the worst of my life. I have experienced more pain and hurt than some people do in their whole lives. In the midst of this pain though I have seen and heard from other s about my relationship with the Lord growing. I see some of it and I do feel His presence more but it still hurts like crazy. The past few weeks went a little something like this.
June 26th – At this point Mindy was 33 weeks pregnant with our little angel, Callie Grace. She had been feeling uneasy and noticed some decreased movement for the baby. She moved her “normal” doctor’s appointment up to Wednesday and her mom went with her since everything was “normal.” We had just seen our daughter the previous week and everything was fine. We saw her heartbeat and saw her moving. However, this day of normal quickly changed when my phone rang and my mother-in-law told me there was not a heartbeat on Callie. I remember feelings of shock, disbelief, wonder and fear during this time. I remember thinking it was a mistake and surely it wasn’t true. I remember feeling angry towards anyone (the doctors, nurses, God) really everyone. I walked out of my office in a daze, wandering, looking, and not believing. I must say I imagine I felt like a homeless person who just wanders looking for food and shelter. I told our staff through the tears and the banging of my hand on the counter. They laid hands on me and prayed for God to help Mindy and I but heir words seemed so flippant and meaningless in spite of what was going on. Pastor Rick, who had only been at the church a week or two at the time offered to drive me to meet Mindy. We talked about simple, almost meaningless things and all the while I was still praying for a miracle. You see I believe that miracles happen every day we are just too busy to see them. Things like finding out my father had beaten cancer, seeing my grandfather and having him remember me despite his memory failing, and seeing my father’s heart breaking and his tears. I will get to the last two in a minute. As we arrived at the doctor’s office I remember rushing into the room, hugging Mindy first, and then dropping to my knees telling Callie she would be alright. Mindy fought back the tears long enough to tell me that it was too late and our little girl was gone. I remember the doctor coming in at that moment hearing that our daughter was gone I moved from a moment of praying for a miracle to one of a bittersweet realization that my daughter was gone and my wife was going to have to deliver Callie in order for her to be alright. Although we knew a trip to the hospital was going to happen nothing prepared us for the next three grueling days and the heartache that was to follow.
August 13, 2007
The next few days although they seemed like a whirlwind featured a number of moments that will forever be fossilized in my mind. After leaving the doctor’s office we went to the hospital and our lives would be forever changed. As we walked in we were met by a volunteer, who had no idea what our situation was and didn’t understand our request. Shortly after dealing with her, a nurse approached us and ushered us upstairs. I remember thinking the whole time that it was a mistake and our little girl was fine. The whole time Mindy and I were in tears and wondering why us. That is still a question that weighs heavily in my mind even today. Although I know that I don’t have the answer my faith will get me through. When we arrived upstairs they placed us in a room and began preparing Mindy for labor and delivery. As our families arrived and phone calls came and went I remember thinking the same two thoughts. “It was a mistake” and “Why us?” That night Mindy and I lay awake and by ourselves for a few hours and I remember praying with my wife like we had never prayed before. We asked God for a miracle which didn’t come in the form we wanted but still came. I remember talking to friends on the phone and hearing God voice through them. I remember talking to Brain and hearing him pray a prayer that only God, Himself could have written. I remember talking to my friend John and another John that I had interned under in Indianapolis and just crying as the Lord used them to comfort us. However, the one conversation that I will never forget was with Mrs. Robin Kuhrt. During our time on the phone she made a statement that has been said before and will be said again. She quoted the verse about God never giving you more than you can bear and stated that we should be honored for what we were going through. I remember thinking there was no way that this was an honoring time but rather a hurtful time. Later I would realize how true the above statement was for God to choose our little girl to accomplish some great and wonderful tasks in the days and weeks to come. The realities of the events were still shaky in our minds but by the end of the day we were exhausted and that was only day one.
August 11, 2007
These past few weeks have been the worst of my life. I have experienced more pain and hurt than some people do in their whole lives. In the midst of this pain though I have seen and heard from other s about my relationship with the Lord growing. I see some of it and I do feel His presence more but it still hurts like crazy. The past few weeks went a little something like this.
June 26th – At this point Mindy was 33 weeks pregnant with our little angel, Callie Grace. She had been feeling uneasy and noticed some decreased movement for the baby. She moved her “normal” doctor’s appointment up to Wednesday and her mom went with her since everything was “normal.” We had just seen our daughter the previous week and everything was fine. We saw her heartbeat and saw her moving. However, this day of normal quickly changed when my phone rang and my mother-in-law told me there was not a heartbeat on Callie. I remember feelings of shock, disbelief, wonder and fear during this time. I remember thinking it was a mistake and surely it wasn’t true. I remember feeling angry towards anyone (the doctors, nurses, God) really everyone. I walked out of my office in a daze, wandering, looking, and not believing. I must say I imagine I felt like a homeless person who just wanders looking for food and shelter. I told our staff through the tears and the banging of my hand on the counter. They laid hands on me and prayed for God to help Mindy and I but heir words seemed so flippant and meaningless in spite of what was going on. Pastor Rick, who had only been at the church a week or two at the time offered to drive me to meet Mindy. We talked about simple, almost meaningless things and all the while I was still praying for a miracle. You see I believe that miracles happen every day we are just too busy to see them. Things like finding out my father had beaten cancer, seeing my grandfather and having him remember me despite his memory failing, and seeing my father’s heart breaking and his tears. I will get to the last two in a minute. As we arrived at the doctor’s office I remember rushing into the room, hugging Mindy first, and then dropping to my knees telling Callie she would be alright. Mindy fought back the tears long enough to tell me that it was too late and our little girl was gone. I remember the doctor coming in at that moment hearing that our daughter was gone I moved from a moment of praying for a miracle to one of a bittersweet realization that my daughter was gone and my wife was going to have to deliver Callie in order for her to be alright. Although we knew a trip to the hospital was going to happen nothing prepared us for the next three grueling days and the heartache that was to follow.
August 13, 2007
The next few days although they seemed like a whirlwind featured a number of moments that will forever be fossilized in my mind. After leaving the doctor’s office we went to the hospital and our lives would be forever changed. As we walked in we were met by a volunteer, who had no idea what our situation was and didn’t understand our request. Shortly after dealing with her, a nurse approached us and ushered us upstairs. I remember thinking the whole time that it was a mistake and our little girl was fine. The whole time Mindy and I were in tears and wondering why us. That is still a question that weighs heavily in my mind even today. Although I know that I don’t have the answer my faith will get me through. When we arrived upstairs they placed us in a room and began preparing Mindy for labor and delivery. As our families arrived and phone calls came and went I remember thinking the same two thoughts. “It was a mistake” and “Why us?” That night Mindy and I lay awake and by ourselves for a few hours and I remember praying with my wife like we had never prayed before. We asked God for a miracle which didn’t come in the form we wanted but still came. I remember talking to friends on the phone and hearing God voice through them. I remember talking to Brain and hearing him pray a prayer that only God, Himself could have written. I remember talking to my friend John and another John that I had interned under in Indianapolis and just crying as the Lord used them to comfort us. However, the one conversation that I will never forget was with Mrs. Robin Kuhrt. During our time on the phone she made a statement that has been said before and will be said again. She quoted the verse about God never giving you more than you can bear and stated that we should be honored for what we were going through. I remember thinking there was no way that this was an honoring time but rather a hurtful time. Later I would realize how true the above statement was for God to choose our little girl to accomplish some great and wonderful tasks in the days and weeks to come. The realities of the events were still shaky in our minds but by the end of the day we were exhausted and that was only day one.
Thoughts from the past
Over the past few months I feel that I have encountered some difficulties and hardship than I ever could have imagined. Many of these things are extremely close to my heart but I have chosen to post them as a blog which will expose my feelings, thoughts, and dreams for the future.
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